DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as an usher at a popular field house that hosts a large number of sporting and entertainment events (concerts, comedy shows, etc.). One of the rules is that we are not allowed to accept tips.
On occasion, a guest will offer a tip, usually for something I have done above and beyond simply helping them find their seat. In those instances, I politely thank them for their kindness but let them know that it is against the policy of the venue.
Most of the time that is sufficient, but on occasion, a patron will insist that I take the money, frequently commenting that “no one will know.”
I am not sure what to say when they continue to push. I certainly do not wish to be rude (and I do sincerely appreciate their generosity), but neither do I want to violate the rules and accept the money.
What do you recommend I say to people who demand that I accept a tip?
GENTLE READER: No doubt such people think they are conferring a benevolence on you in advising you to defy your employer sneakily. And they are unlikely to imagine any reason for refusing money other than the fear of getting caught.
As Miss Manners has observed, the tipping system brings out the worst in everyone. Well, not everyone; not you.
The response to “No one will know” should be a regretful little smile and the comment, “But I would know.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be acceptable to include a P.S. on an invitation that states “Failure to respond will be considered a ‘NO, cannot attend,’ and plans will be finalized accordingly”?
I’m simply tired of the irresponsibility of many invitees.
GENTLE READER: Probably not as tired as Miss Manners is of pointing out how rude it is to ignore offers of hospitality.
Nevertheless, she doesn’t care for threats, and reminders tend to be ignored. What about sending those who have not answered the message “Sorry we won’t see you on the 10th?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved and I are planning a small, intimate wedding.
Rather than engage a printer, I am planning to handwrite letters to each invited guest, sharing the details of the celebration and asking them to attend.
My mother is concerned that the lack of a formal printed invitation would be seen as a breach in etiquette. Can you please advise us?
GENTLE READER: Back whenever engraving was invented, it would have been considered a breach of etiquette to use it instead of handwriting. And Miss Manners assures you that the hand still outranks the mechanical process, no matter how expensive.
As this is an intimate wedding, you need not mimic the formal, third-person wording but, if you prefer, simply write first-person letters stating your wish to have them attend.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of sprinkle parties?
GENTLE READER: That much as she appreciates toning down the usual shower, Miss Manners finds the name unfortunately vivid in connection with babies.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
