Emily Jamea, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author of the USA Today Best-Selling book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion, and podcast host. You can find her here each month to share her latest thoughts about sex.
Janeane, a new client, sat across from me in my therapy office, her eyes a contradictory mix of emotions that I was trying to pinpoint.
“Tell me what’s going on,” I prompted her.
“My husband passed away, and I’m beginning to think about dating again. I casually mentioned it to my daughters, and they were totally appalled by the idea, horrified that I could fathom ‘replacing dad’ as they put it. I feel guilty about getting out there again, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. I adored Paul. No one will ever fill his shoes, but I enjoyed being married. I want someone to go out to dinner with, to travel with, to cuddle with at night. Feelings aside, the dating world has completely changed since Paul and I met 35 years ago. I have no idea what I’m doing, how I feel about it, or how I should go about it.”
I’d heard several iterations of Janeane’s story over the years and felt excited about being a part of her journey back out into the wild. I communicated as much but also validated the painful mix of emotions she was grappling with.
There’s a moment that comes after the heartbreak — the paperwork is filed, the funeral flowers have long since wilted, the casseroles have stopped coming, and you realize that the world keeps turning. You’ve survived the unthinkable. And then, one day, it hits you: I’m alone. And not just emotionally or practically — but intimately, too. The very idea of dating, much less having sex again, might feel thrilling, terrifying or downright impossible. I reassured her that she was not alone in this chapter, and despite what her daughters expressed, she was allowed to desire pleasure, love and connection again.
Whether you’re divorced or widowed, stepping back into the world of dating and intimacy can feel like learning a new language — one spoken in a dialect that’s changed since you last spoke it. But the truth is, this chapter isn’t about going backward or “getting back out there” like you’re trying to reclaim your 20s. Instead, it’s an opportunity to rewrite the rules on your terms.
Let’s talk about how.
Here are some tips for dating after loss.
1. Own your timeline
First things first: There is no “right time” to start dating or having sex again. Some people feel ready weeks after their relationship ends; others take years. Grief, healing and readiness look different for everyone.
After a divorce, you may need time to rebuild your identity, especially if your relationship was long and particularly if you’d stepped into a caregiver role to an ill spouse in the final years, as Janeane had. After losing a partner, guilt or fear can accompany even the thought of being with someone else. Both experiences come with emotional landmines.
I cautioned Janeane about being influenced by people around her and reminded her that she was entitled to make her own decisions. She had some well-meaning friends expressing things like “Paul would want you to find love again,” which totally contradicted her daughters’ feelings. I reminded her that only she could decide when she was ready.
2. Date with purpose
For anyone looking to move forward after a loss, it’s important to ask some questions about what specifically you’re looking for.
- Are you seeking connection because you want companionship and pleasure — or are you trying to fill a void too quickly?
- What kind of relationship structure sounds good to you right now?
- What values matter to you now compared to when you and your partner met?
“The more honest you are with yourself,” I told Janeane, “the more empowered your choices will be. One of the most liberating aspects of starting again is that you get to design this next chapter with intention and purpose. This is your chance for an honest self-inventory. If you want hot, uncomplicated sex, go for it. If you’re looking for deep emotional intimacy, that’s beautiful too.”
There are no wrong answers to these questions — and your responses are allowed to evolve — as long as they feel good to you.
3. Reawaken your libido
It’s normal to feel disconnected from your body or unsure about how to be sexual again after years — or decades — of being with one person.
Start by reconnecting with yourself. That might mean buying a new vibrator, trying guided erotic meditation, or simply exploring what feels pleasurable again. Your body has changed, and so have you. Reframe this from a feeling of loss to evolution.
I reminded Janeane that it can feel challenging to explore libido (a word that derives from “life force” energy) after experiencing Thanatos (or death energy), which is why baby steps are key.
“You might feel nervous about being seen naked by someone new or wonder if your body is ‘good enough,’” I told her, “but your desirability does not expire.” I shared a recent viral New York Times article about why GenX women are having the best sex and assured her that confidence doesn’t come from looking a certain way. It comes from feeling at home in your own skin. I explained that the more she connected with her own pleasure, the easier it would become to share that part of herself with someone else.
4. Embrace dating in the digital age
If the last time you dated was before apps and swiping, stepping into online dating might feel like entering a foreign country. The rules have changed but … so have the opportunities.
Dating apps can feel superficial at first, but they also offer access to people you might never meet otherwise. I encourage people to give them a try but am also a huge proponent of putting oneself out in the real world as much as possible. I told Janeane that while her daughters may disapprove, I’d be willing to bet that she had some girlfriends who would be more than happy to be her wing woman at cocktail hour.
I reminded her that while the dating landscape may look a bit different, there are plenty of people in her exact same shoes seeking both fun and a meaningful connection.
5. Have sex again … when you’re ready
That first kiss, the first time someone touches your body … these are beautiful yet incredibly vulnerable moments. I told Janaene, that when that moment comes, it’s important to be honest about the fact that this is the first person she’s been with since the loss of Paul.
It’s reasonable to expect a range of emotion — excitement, guilt, sadness. It can feel confusing and may even detract from the experience at first, but I assured her that with a safe, gentle and supportive partner (key qualities!) her feelings will eventually balance out. In fact, being open with a new partner about your nerves or desires can be incredibly bonding.
I mentioned to Janeane that she could use the guest room or simply go to her date’s home if she wasn’t ready to invite someone into the bedroom she’d shared with her husband.
“And what about my disapproving daughters?” she asked. “They already lost their father. I don’t want them to feel like they are losing their mother too.”
“When the time feels right, ideally when you’re out for a walk or doing something like shopping together, assure them that there is not a soul in the world who could replace their father. But also tell them that, while grief will be ever-present in your heart, you have a lot of space left for love and connection. Explain to them that you believe the only way they will ensure they keep their joyful, fun-loving mother is if they give you the chance to fill that part of your heart again.”
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